Published in the Westchester Guardian, September 2012
Mental illness can drive a spike into your soul. It can create a wall between you and your God. Searching for God and Faith requires, among other things, free will of an open mind unencumbered by worldly distractions, even if it is only for a few minutes a day. The horror, for me, is that the mind is what is attacked and assailed, manipulated and lied to, by the brain which science is only beginning to understand.
Illness can brings us closer to God, if one does the required work by opening their heart, listening, accepting, seeking the right help, etc. Faith can conquer the fears of life, but mental illness strives on creating fear, illusions and doubt. Mental illness can drown the voices of common sense, faith, reason and hope. For me, it can create a wall, absorbing the light of life, thwarting love, keeping rational thinking and common sense from prevailing.
The thought of the next eye doctor appointment increases my heart rate and I feel the familiar discomfort in my stomach. The brain is signally that a threat is forthcoming through grave findings from the doctor. This is an unnatural fear for a common, routine event. How I hate this. It’s not only eye doctors, it can be any natural or common occurrence such as long drives in the car, that can send my brain into alert mode, signaling the mind to take certain actions to avoid and ease the pounding, mental pain. These are some of my “gremlins” trying to get the best of me.
One method of internal lying is through distortions of the common aspects in life. Similar to ‘Stinkin Thinkin’, (see May 31st, 2012 issue) these Cognitive Distortions are painful, create a downward spiral, distort reality and lead into negative relationships. It’s our brain convincing the mind that something negative and false is true. We all have it to some degree. For the afflicted, its intensity and realism can be unbearable. There are between ten and fifteen Distortions. Some web sites such as Psychcentral.com list 15 common ones. The above doctor appointment is an example of, polarized thinking (black or white thinking), jumping to conclusions and catastrophizing.
There’s a party going on down the block, and immediately a feeling of loneliness envelopes the self with the brain reinforcing it via negative comments. I always had this feeling of being outside and looking in, feeling as if I’m missing something. Of course, it’s not true, it’s a result, a side effect of mental illness, of insecurity developed through living a lifetime with chronic illness. Even blessed with a wife and son, the feeling is still there, gnawing at me. Here are the distortions of emotional reasoning and feelings.
These distortions can generate signals from the brain to relieve anxiety and anguish through measures detrimental to proper health care and safety. From binge eating, alcohol consumption, drug use, there are no shortage of measures the mind cannot contemplate to escape. Then there are the negative personal assaults in the way we interact with the world around us – especially those who care about us. The closer we are to someone, the easier it seems to ease our own discomfort by lashing out them.
We are trained, cultured to listen to what the brain says. It’s part of our DNA, our enduring instinct when such intuition was needed for survival. We who suffer must somehow redirect these thoughts, to fight against our imbedded nature. We must tell one “side” of the brain that the other side is lying. I always thought that writing about certain aspects of my condition would make coping and redirecting thoughts so much easier, clarifying truth. It helps, but only to an extent. The path to truth can be long, tedious and painful. Repetition, counseling, exposure maybe the path to take, using certain tools to smooth the road we face.
To ease the pain, skills and tools can be developed offsetting negative thoughts, reducing the long-term anxiety and stress. These skills and distracting techniques help one return to some normalcy, reducing the likelihood of cognitive distortions prevailing. When my hands and mind are idle, I am more apt or my brain is more apt to find triggers. Sometimes, hour-long car trips have proven to be very uncomfortable as thoughts seek unpleasant images to grasp. Certain tools help me relax and eventually to ‘Let go, and Let God’. Items, such as puzzle books, magazines, music, etc., help diminish the pain. Many tools are available. Some are better than others depending on the situation. A brisk walk, when applicable, may be better than sitting and reading. Don’t be too stubborn on sticking to one tool. With practice come skills for life’s abundant surprises. (For more detail see “Triggers and the Toolbox” in the July 7th, 2011 issue.)
Our social media constantly, intentionally, reinforces our cognitive distortions. They want to sell something, anything. Advertisements, story-lines, images help create a mood. Be it fear, loneliness, gluttony, we are told what to fear, how to feel, how to think. Sexual images sell products. So do diseases, images of partying and boozing. I don’t need help to feel fear.
Some other cognitive distortions to be aware of include filtering, blaming, shoulds, global labeling, personalization and self-righteousness. More in a future article.
I am slightly more comfortable at being and living. That’s progress after all these years. Fear of car trips has greatly dissipated. There’s also something that is still growing, developing – spirituality and faith, battling against those dark thoughts, those gremlins that keep popping up. Thoughts of Saints, angels, of our multi-dimensional realm, soothe the images of discomfort. There’s still that terror at times, but it’s a beginning.
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Glenn Slaby Blog