Published in the Westchester Guardian, May 2011
An intense battle is waged constantly inside all of us. A struggle to grow in our humanity or fall back to potentially self-destructive thought patterns. With my mental illness, there is constant and more dominate chatter of should haves, what-ifs, if only, along with fears, prohibitions and at times extreme dread. Each day can be a moment to moment struggle to complete the task at hand and move on to the next responsibility. This is not a winnable war in the sense of absolutes, but small minor victories everyday and then starting over the next with the sounding of the alarm clock and the possibility of the great victory of survival. I must keep the mind positively occupied; focus on the task at hand and ignore warnings from this brain. Even in our dreams we can be attacked by our own minds. Escape is only temporary; the more one tries to “run” from these intrusive thoughts, the greater the pain as the mind fights back. The methods used to escape vary and are difficult if not painful.
In the prior column, I discussed the Cherokee tale of the battle between good and evil inside all of us. This struggle is part of our human nature and must be fought not just day to day but again from thought to thought. It can be more prominent in those who suffer from mental illness (which is really a biological/chemical imbalance – an invisible physical illness) and other chronic illnesses than in those who can live a ‘normal’ daily existence.
To review the tale goes like this:
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two “wolves” inside us all.”
“One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.” (I’ll add on fear, insecurity, doubt, etc. )
And
“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” (I’ll add on the gifts of the Holy Spirit.)
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “which wolf wins?’
The old Cherokee simply replies, “The one you feed.”
Falling back to our primal ways, to slip in our all too frequent moments of weakness is an everyday, every moment temptation. Patience, work and prayers are needed just to maintain small gains and keep our heads above water, but we do fail, constantly. It is in our humanity that we fail. It is also part of our humanity, our faith, to do a little better the next time, to achieve a better relationship with others, to grow closer to our God. Is not sorry, such an auspicious and suitable word, used so predominately with those with love especially between spouses and other family members. Is this not one the most used words when children interact with others. When we say this we desire to return the foundation constructed by feeding the good.
With mental illness it’s so hard to feed the goodness because we do not recognize it. Our minds are geared incorrectly, focusing on our incompleteness. I compare, see the veneer of others and project. I view this thin shadow and believe the outward appearance of completeness, fitfulness (both physical & mental) is representative of their whole. I do not see that they may have their share of fears and doubts. Projecting perfection magnifies my imperfections, a by-product of my obsessive compulsive traits.
Feeding the good begins with recognizing the difficulty of letting go and letting God. My plate of preconceptions must be dealt with but not overindulged. I must look around and start with a mental and physical house cleaning. (From mental what ifs and should haves, to cleaning up the real piles of note pads, newspapers, turning off the television and talk radio. Selecting what I want my mind to hear, to feed on and asking will this be of any benefit to my overall well being, my soul.) Removing this clutter surrounding me will create something of a fresh start, a small foundation to let in some peace and serenity. From here, I can grow, slowly, taking small steps to achieve and recognize kindness, generosity, faith and its gifts. From here, I can try to live by the Gospels and feed the soul by reaching outward.
There is a certain pleasure, comfort from “feeding the good” in ourselves and especially in others. Reaching outside ourselves, to serve, brings us closer to the Center – a magnificent component of my Catholic Faith.
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Glenn Slaby Blog