Published in the Westchester Guardian, February 2012
“Honey, I’m driving to my sister’s house sister’s house tomorrow. I’ll be back around eight”, my wife politely confers, and immediately I get thoughts, painful thoughts and disturbing stored images forecasting tragedy, pain and unbelievable sorrow. These thoughts do not come alone, for with them physical manifestations of stress, an increased heart rate, palpitations, etc., lasting longer than the original implanted images, serving as a reminder, continuing the cycle of pain through thought. It is difficult to take negative, sometimes tragic events and not see them as something that can occur to me or a loved one and understand that the situations in question are events outside the normal life occurrences. Sure they may or will occur, but they are not occurring now or in the immediate foreseeable future. How can one simply ignore what is almost essentially your own self?
How can one understand what it is like to have the brain lie? How can one know what it is like to have the brain send images of something that is not there? How can feel what it is like for the brain to create a horrific darkness that is invisible to all but the sufferer? I might be one of the lucky ones – this brain “only” sends deceiving, deceptive thoughts and signals of great fear. This brain then recreates overwhelming trauma, anxiety and apprehension sending mental gestures of impairment to escape the pain it itself created.
My brain “picks up” visual memories of televised accidents, newspaper headlines, stories. When having some minor aches and pains, these inner voices tell me it is not a simple headache but something more serious. The brain enforces the fear by recalling segments of conversations overheard even from years past. Slowly, I may become alone with thoughts of dread, terror and horror encompassing the entire self. Any time and anyplace; exposed, vulnerable to an overheard word or situation, I lose control as my own thought patterns are hijacked. As a side consequence, when hearing of ill health, pain and anguish, automatic self-reflection occurs, mental notes are taken so as not to repeat any misfortune. We all do this to some extent, learning from others mistakes, but those who suffer take it to the extreme, retaining it longer than necessary and applying ours fears to situations that are not even plausible. For us, the brain, always working, calculating, is never at rest, very rarely at peace.
Maybe they are not really thoughts, for thoughts imply a thinking process. There is no progression of ideas leading up to difficult, painful images. These are spontaneous like a physicians knee tap to test your reflexes. Maybe I’ve had this illness for so long, the thinking process occurs so naturally and quickly it becomes like an automatic reflex. The ultimate goal is to have a positive thought process, a 180 degree brain muscle reflex turn around where positive or non-committal, neutral images occur as fast as the negatives.
When thoughts arise, I can stay with them (like at this current stage I really have a choice) and let them become part of obsessive compulsive disorder. Or, I can let them evolve and spiral into a dark pit scenario of absolutes where if the mindset horror of scenario “A” occurs or exists, then scenarios “B” and “C” must also concur, thus thoughts becoming a new entity unto itself – a monster absorbing ones inner self swallowing rationality, hope, faith and spirituality. Over thinking ignores reality and positive reasoning. The brain creates this apprehensive scenario, establishes a connection between disconnected negative events, forcing one to over-analyze, telling the mind to follow certain routines, compulsions, or variable acts drawing the individual deeper into a personal hell.
There is another option. I can apply the current theory of changing the brain’s thought pattern is by using the skills learned in Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT (to be explained in a later article). Since the medical science of the brain is still in its infancy and medication therapy is a virtual still hit or miss, we must rely on this slow, painful process of correcting the way our minds interpret information from the brain.
I must remind myself where, how and why false beliefs and feelings originate and switch my conscience thoughts to offset the overactive amygdala of the brain. My mind must first recognize and observe these images, then remember the various DBT methods to correct the current situation. Practice this enough and the correcting thought pattern will become almost spontaneous. I believe most individuals have these feelings, but do not retain and repeat the situations at hand over and over. They are able to let go. Many even let go and Let God. That is the direction I am trying to direct myself. I might be able to do so with certain minor issues, however, retraining the brain by using your mind along with certain skills, observations etc., takes time, a long time, maybe even a lifetime.
Seemingly, these types of inflective thoughts have been around for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately they are reinforced by our visual, audio and print media culture. They not only enhance current, sometimes legitimate fears but create new issues to be afraid of. May God help us, with over a billion people without clean water, nutrition, etc we are forgetting how to live when we have so much.
#895
Glenn Slaby Blog